is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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