just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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