I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
of course. lets lasso hookers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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