My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize