Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
