can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
