tonight lets celebrate not being married
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
