i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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