Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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