I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
