He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
