we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize