its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
