So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize