I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
