I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
