I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You may now shotgun with the bride
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize