So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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