i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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