What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
