So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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