Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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