my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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