Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
