who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
