She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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