I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
