well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Enjoy the penises
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
