she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
