Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
