based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
