could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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