I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
