why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
