he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
