Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize