we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
