My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize