I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
