so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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