I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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