I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
