oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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