I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
