Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize