Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
