All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The feeling are messing with the penis
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
