We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
