I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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