I want to have your abortion
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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