Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
