Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
