btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
