Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
