the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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