i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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