Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
