Cold hands, warm shart.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize