Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
