i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
