i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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