we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
