Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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